*If you go to this link and the top picture, look behind the white gas station sign. That roof is my grandma's old house - the one my mom grew up in. The one I spent every summer at, for at least a week or so. The one I can close my eyes and still see and smell and tell you where my grandmother's beautiful scarves were held. It's so completely bizarre to see this tiny little town that I know so well on the national news. This town that has never been a blip on anyone's radar. And I know my parents are beside themselves.
*Me? I'm trying not to think about it because I'm still having fire flashbacks from...2007? Was that the year? Man. I hate the smell of smoke.
*Isaac thought it would be fun to watch The Taking of Pelham 123 again last night. Goober.
*Everyone in this city is beautiful. Ok, maybe not, but it FEELS that way. I feel frumpy. And anonymous. And very, very nobody-ish. It's a weird feeling. And makes me realize how I've not been living that way for the past little while.
*Isaac saw someone doing "the walk of shame" the other morning on his way to get us breakfast. I surprised myself by how much I was sorry I missed that photo op. Speaking of...there have been many a time that I wished I could just snap a picture of random people because of outfits or whatever. Just so many opportunities to create characters based on what you see here.
*I have had a half dozen guys (at least) give me their seats on subways this week. And not the older guys - we're talking mid-20s guys. And it makes me sad how lost chivalry is in Utah, but buoyed that it isn't everywhere. Still. Surprised me every time it happened.
*I just got an email that the sunglasses I ordered for vacation were shipped today. So, um, there's that.
*Mostly, right now, I'm hot. As I type, it's Wednesday night, 10:15 New York time. The a/c in the rental apartment reads 78*, but it feels warmer. The sweat is dripping and I'm already not looking forward to the near 100*+humidity tomorrow is going to bring. It seems surreal that it's raining at home and I'm so looking forward to the very temps I was anxious to escape a week ago. Weird spring / early summer, yes...but still. I'm grateful we're going to the nicer end of it again. I had to stop into Old Navy on Tuesday to grab a skirt because the mid70s we thought it was going to be didn't so much pan out here at the end. And I'm getting that day before going home feeling...I'm ready. We've played and explored and walked miles upon miles, but now, I'm ready. So let's go home...
While listening to The Sundays and Mazzy Star and The Cure and The Sex Pistols. And then, this one guy, started hitting on my friend Jill right in front of his wife. And it would have been even more funny than it was if we all didn't feel for her so immensely. He bought Jill a deep fried Twix and called her a model 23 times. And then they left. But came back, just so he could hit on her some more. His wife stayed outside. And then the only other table in the restaurant commented on the awkwardness of his bravado. And I realized for the 20,000th time this week that there are no shrinking violets in this city. Everyone is confident and bold and...out there. I'm a little jealous of that.
But still. Lunch was heavenly. Brooklyn is lovely and my new favorite. I already want to go back.
(the avett brothers, brooklyn, brooklyn take me in)
Me. Outside the Chelsea Hotel. I nearly cried I was so happy. The words, oddly, don't come as easily for me, standing here. Love, people. Complete love. And nothing but happiness and joy.
And, well, the tres leche donut next door didn't hurt.
I was here the first time many years ago. Under wildly different life situations. I was divorced and trying to figure it all out. I knew I had Isaac waiting at home, ready to propose. I knew I would say yes. But I had lingering doubts if the years previous were regrettable. Or forgettable. Or if I had done enough. And what they all meant. I spent that time wandering with my roommate, happy, but thoughtful. Loving New York. Spending a lot of time in quiet contemplation. I came up with some answers. By the end of the trip I knew. I didn't regret that marriage. I loved him and I know he loved me. I knew it was right; still know it was the right thing to do when I did it. I would do it again, should my life play on repeat. Even knowing the ending. I had loved deeply. I had my heart broken badly. I messed up. I did everything right. I absolutely had the extremes of life. There were months of confusion and hurt, but also times of great joy. It was short. It was passionate. It was storms and sunshine and everything all at once in those few years. I figured that all out, the last time I was here. And once I had, my thoughts turned to Isaac.
Every turn I made, the rest of the week, I wished he was there with me instead of waiting for me at home. I wished he had asked me to marry him already instead of waiting on better timing. I wished our marriage had started already instead of having to go through the three months we ended up waiting. Once my mind was right, I wanted it to just be. I never wanted to be away from him again.
I'm not sure what brought about the maudlin. Perhaps being here and seeing a true regret - not ever living here...writing here - brings to mind the big things that aren't really regrets that have tenuous grips on this city. That first trip was a turning point in my life in so many ways. And now. Being back. I have no regrets with my past life. I know that. I'm now with Isaac at every turn and that is the true source of joy in my life. But this city. This city...it speaks to me. It plays with my thoughts. It makes me think of everything that has happened since the last time I was here, internally and ex. Those thoughts I had the last time I was here. That life changing trip plays in my thoughts and dance around, taunting me to live in the past. I've given in momentarily, but find that I much prefer to live in the now. Watching the magic of the city through the eyes of my son. The eyes of my love. My eyes. Being grateful that while I regret never living here, I'm here now, if only briefly. Soaking up the feelings. Soaking up the sounds. Words falling onto paper faster than I can keep up. Regret is heavy, but the things I regret are different than one would expect. Life is like that, sometimes. It dictates things that are unexpected. Regret happens when you've missed an opportunity and as that first trip taught me, I don't regret the relationships I've had, only the experiences I've missed. I'm even more ok with that now than before. Just another thing that has morphed and changed and grown in the ensuing years.
If I'm lucky, my next trip here will happen with less years in between and less personal upheaval surrounding. If I'm lucky, I'll begin to count this city as more than a once a decade indulgence. But if not, I'll use this opportunity to bury one more personal skeleton and begin the fascination anew. I can already feel it bubbling up and taking over. This city is magic.
